YELLOW LINES
I WAS 25 AND THOUGHT I WAS DYING
Donovan Ferguson on LinkedIn
General Manager at Yellow Lines
Published on June 19, 2019
I have lived with mental illness for a very long time. Of course, I am filled with joy at the huge steps forward we have seen in the last 10 years, around talking about mental health, and reducing the stigma of living with depression and/or anxiety.
Thinking back over 15 or so years, more often than not, when I trusted someone enough to share a snippet about me and my mental health, almost all have been incredibly supportive. Yet, few can hold back from saying " I simply didn't see that Donovan, you seem so confident, not anxious at all ". And of course, you are quietly thankful… yet another person claims they didn't seem to notice. Meanwhile, you then retreat off to the nearest corner - to catch your breath, compose yourself, and keep on keeping on.
I simply don’t see that Donovan, you seem so confident, not anxious
It was 2004 when I had my first attack. I was completely and utterly overtaken by anxiety. My boss at Rydges North Melbourne where I was Operations Manager, will recall driving me up to the Emergency Department at Royal Melbourne Hospital (a couple of times), where I was triaged as Cat 2 and into a resuscitation bay. You see, it takes a while to learn that you have an anxiety illness, and until you understand (accept) this, you simply assume that you are in fact experiencing cardiac issues, that you’re about to die from a heart attack.
It takes a while to learn that you have an anxiety illness, and until you understand (accept) this, you simply assume that you are experiencing cardiac issues and are about to die
It probably took me 12 months to accept that I was not about to drop dead on the pavement from a heart attack, and that I had a mental illness.
Over the next few years, I worked in a job with Micros Fidelio (now Oracle Hospitality). The role required me to get up "on stage" and lead, inspire, teach people (daily). Doing this with anxiety certainly forced me to develop a very good poker-face. Each morning I'd put on a coat of armour... before heading into daily life.
Over the next few years, I worked in a job with Micros Fidelio (now Oracle Hospitality). The role required me to get up "on stage" and lead, inspire, teach people (daily). Doing this with anxiety certainly forced me to develop a very good poker-face. Each morning I'd put on a coat of armour... before heading into daily life.
Each morning I'd put on a coat of armour... before heading into daily life
And then, around 2006 I realised that I was no longer "suffering from a mental health condition", but I was in fact "living with a mental health illness". No, I wasn't on top of it, but I was getting to know my enemy. With medication, I was actually having days where I beat the beast.
Around 2007, I transitioned from a medication called Aropax (Paroxetine), to Cymbalta (Duloxetine). Good riddance is all I can say. Aropax is awful, and the side effects pretty much outweighed the benefits (IMHO).
If you've ever lived with anxiety, hopefully you've gotten some treatment, and you'll understand that the worst of the symptoms, the tingling fingers and lips, pain down the arm, shortness of breath/hyperventilation, dizziness, chest pain, all of these symptoms are greatly controlled by the right medication. Never completely gone of course, but controlled enough to brave the daily grind.
And so, here I find myself in 2019, a few months back now, feeling better, fitter, healthier than ever. Oh... this feels weird. It hasn't come easily. It has been well over a decade of being medicated every day. But, I've slowly and surely addressed everything in my life that was out of balance. Fixed some broken friendships, and really taken time to understand what made me anxious all those years ago, never to leave.
I talked with my amazing (long term) GP, Dr Ralphine Wall, and we both conceded that I was looking pretty fit and healthy, and that really, we no longer knew exactly what was underneath that medication. All I knew, was that I felt great.
Around 2007, I transitioned from a medication called Aropax (Paroxetine), to Cymbalta (Duloxetine). Good riddance is all I can say. Aropax is awful, and the side effects pretty much outweighed the benefits (IMHO).
If you've ever lived with anxiety, hopefully you've gotten some treatment, and you'll understand that the worst of the symptoms, the tingling fingers and lips, pain down the arm, shortness of breath/hyperventilation, dizziness, chest pain, all of these symptoms are greatly controlled by the right medication. Never completely gone of course, but controlled enough to brave the daily grind.
And so, here I find myself in 2019, a few months back now, feeling better, fitter, healthier than ever. Oh... this feels weird. It hasn't come easily. It has been well over a decade of being medicated every day. But, I've slowly and surely addressed everything in my life that was out of balance. Fixed some broken friendships, and really taken time to understand what made me anxious all those years ago, never to leave.
I talked with my amazing (long term) GP, Dr Ralphine Wall, and we both conceded that I was looking pretty fit and healthy, and that really, we no longer knew exactly what was underneath that medication. All I knew, was that I felt great.
We no longer knew exactly what was underneath that medication
We talked about the Cymbalta medication, and my GP satisfied herself that I understood it was a medication that has known withdrawal side effects. Much to my irritation, there is very little information available on the expected length of time that one might experience Cymbalta withdrawals, and indeed, for a long-term user, the available information was dismal. Frankly, the manufacturer of Cymbalta has a lot to answer for. It is kind of like dead-locking someones house to keep them safe, but not offering a fire escape solution.
It is kind of like dead-locking someone inside their house to keep them safe, but not offering a fire escape solution
Importantly though, I went into the exercise knowing to get even better, I might briefly be making myself feel a little sicker because of the withdrawals. I embarked on a gradual reduction in Cymbalta dose, something that the manufacturer does little to help with. Cymbalta is capsule based and so cannot be easily cut into smaller doses. The lowest dose capsule is 30mg (I was on 60mg daily for circa 12-years). So, we started with 60 30 60 30 60 30 60 30mg daily, then dropped to 30 30 30 30 30 30mg daily. Lowering the dose made zero difference to how I felt, no withdrawal symptoms, no anxiety, I felt GREAT!
The next step was to alternate days i.e. 30 0 30 0 30 0 30 0mg daily. Unfortunately, this didn't work for me. By the end of the zero day I was suffering awful withdrawals. In particular, vertigo (to the point where I could not safely drive), and was having regular "brain electric shocks" (which is as unpleasant as it sounds).
The next step was to alternate days i.e. 30 0 30 0 30 0 30 0mg daily. Unfortunately, this didn't work for me. By the end of the zero day I was suffering awful withdrawals. In particular, vertigo (to the point where I could not safely drive), and was having regular "brain electric shocks" (which is as unpleasant as it sounds).
I was having regular "brain electric shocks" (which is as unpleasant as it sounds)
I persevered and went back on the 30 30 30 30 30mg daily dose, and stabilised the withdrawal symptoms.
Not one to be defeated, I then raided the local pharmacy and found out I could buy empty (DIY) pill capsules. I declared myself an honouree pharmacist (somewhat to the dismay of my amazing wonderful sister, who is a real pharmacist). I cracked open the 30mg capsules, and made myself 15mg capsules.
I cracked open the 30mg capsules, and made myself 15mg capsules
Taking care to dose at the exact same time daily, I ran for another week on 15 15 15 15 15 15 15mg daily dose. Again, no withdrawal side effects, no anxiety symptoms, nothing but feeling “normal”.
I decided that making my own 7.5mg capsules was too hard (fiddly), and my scales didn't go that low anyway. And so on Sunday 2nd June I went cold turkey. I knew from my GP that it would take about 2 days for my body to be 100% clear of the drug. Right on cue, early Tuesday morning, the vertigo and brain electric shocks kicked back in. BUT... you have to know your enemy, and this time I was ready. My truly amazing wife and I had agreed that this time I (we) would tough it out for a week and see what happened.
I decided that making my own 7.5mg capsules was too hard (fiddly), and my scales didn't go that low anyway. And so on Sunday 2nd June I went cold turkey. I knew from my GP that it would take about 2 days for my body to be 100% clear of the drug. Right on cue, early Tuesday morning, the vertigo and brain electric shocks kicked back in. BUT... you have to know your enemy, and this time I was ready. My truly amazing wife and I had agreed that this time I (we) would tough it out for a week and see what happened.
The first few days were pretty darn ordinary. I was unable to safely drive due to the extent of the vertigo (even walking was hard), and let's not talk any further about brain electric shocks. I rated myself as feeling a 2 out of 10 (10 being amazing). A small blessing, the vertigo didn't prevent me working on my computer (just don’t move).
Each day got a little better, and by Friday I felt like a 4 out of 10. By Saturday I felt OK enough to drive short distances, and rated myself 6 out of 10. I visited my pharmacist, who recommended some over-the-counter medication called Nausrelief (Prochlorperasine Maleate), which is used to treat travel/motion sickness. JOY! These magic little pills worked wonders, and if it weren't for the occasional brain electric shock, I'd be rating myself a solid 8 out of 10. This travel sickness medication stopped the vertigo :-)
Each day got a little better, and by Friday I felt like a 4 out of 10. By Saturday I felt OK enough to drive short distances, and rated myself 6 out of 10. I visited my pharmacist, who recommended some over-the-counter medication called Nausrelief (Prochlorperasine Maleate), which is used to treat travel/motion sickness. JOY! These magic little pills worked wonders, and if it weren't for the occasional brain electric shock, I'd be rating myself a solid 8 out of 10. This travel sickness medication stopped the vertigo :-)
You have to know your enemy, and this time I was ready
JOY! if it weren't for the occasional brain electric shock, I'd be rating myself a solid 8 out of 10
So, here I am today, Wednesday 19 June. I feel great. The brain electric shocks are just a normal part of the day now, and so I'm officially declaring myself... 9 out of 10. About 3 days ago I eased myself off the motion sickness tablets. The vertigo is still here, but it's nothing like before. I can work with this.
Watch out world! And to you, my LinkedIn friend, wherever you are on your journey, never be afraid to ask for help, or to take a "me day" once in a while. Don't feel ashamed like I felt for years. Own it, and know, that nothing is forever. You have got this under control, and with time and careful planning, you are a fair chance to beat it!
Watch out world! And to you, my LinkedIn friend, wherever you are on your journey, never be afraid to ask for help, or to take a "me day" once in a while. Don't feel ashamed like I felt for years. Own it, and know, that nothing is forever. You have got this under control, and with time and careful planning, you are a fair chance to beat it!
Own it, and know, that nothing is forever!
What’s my biggest fear for the future... that one day I'll arrive at Royal Melbourne Hospital with chest pain and shortness of breath, and they'll "write me off" as just another panic attack. One day, I know my cholesterol will catch up with me and it'll be the heart attack, but not today.
Ouch!... sorry... another brain electric shock. Seems this could go on for a while...
Ouch!... sorry... another brain electric shock. Seems this could go on for a while...